2009 NBA Slam Dunk Constest Was Horrible – How to Fix This Mess

The Dunk contest this year was straight out horrible. I’ve heard people in the past talk about putting an end to the Dunk Contest and I would always be in disbelief on why anyone would want to do such a cruel thing. But this year I began to understand. There were NBA legends in the crowd shaking their heads, superstars of today put up a hard act trying to prove the “NBA cares”, and even Kenny ‘the Jet’ Smith couldn’t muster up enough hype to make us give a damn. What went wrong? Here are some simple suggestions to make this once more the most exciting 30 minutes in all of sports.

Do not allow anyone participate in the event more than twice. I mean you already had 2 chances to pull off the craziest dunks you can imagine…there’s absolutely no point for you to participate more than twice. IF and ever there is someone so good that he has too many dunks, then this rule can be changed. Similar rule exception should be applied for the U.S President I believe, but that’s off topic.

Get rid of props for the sake of props. Some people seem to love props, but I completely despise them. Their use has started to escalate recently to the point where we had to watch a horrible trailer/spoof of Superman for the second year in a row involving phone booths and such which had nothing to do with a ‘dunk’. If the NBA and its fans really like these sorts of skits and such, please devote another section to it, but don’t take away our dunks for that purpose.

Stop rewarding people for their height or lack of height. Yes that means Dwight Howard and Nate Robinson. Dwight Howard’s dunks, for example the 12 foot one, while being ‘never-seen-before’ were hardly exciting. Your mind tries to tell you it was something special so you should be excited, but your heart and emotions just don’t go that way. You know why? Because dunks aren’t about calculated lengthy intellectual stimulation. It’s about out-of-nowhere emphatic statements that just gives you pure adrenaline and is about the synergy between grace, creativity, power, and flight.

Have some consistency. Rudy Fernandez’s second dunk was arguably the best dunk of this year’s competition, however due to several failed attempts, he was given a lower score. Nowhere in the rules does it say that if a dunk is missed, the points must go down. In fact, Nate Robinson was given full points many times when he won the contest yet missed his first 10 attempts at each try.

Judges get a clue. Nate Robinson stepping on someone and dunking should not have been given anything more than 30. It was just degrading and an embarrassment to dunking and basketball in general. I can imagine next year Nate defending his trophy by dunking the ball while being on Spud Webb’s shoulders or something. This isn’t a freaking circus act, stop with this ridiculousness!

Finally, the rule that binds it all together. Each dunk must be either A) new B) much improved version of the original or C) or must be ‘out-of-nowhere’ moment. I can not emphasize how important C) is. This is probably the most important thing in the dunk contest. As I said dunks are about excitement and unpredictability. It’s about that feeling where you have no idea what’s going to happen and then BANG! all your basketball memory flashes before your eyes and in a split second everything you knew about basketball has been changed. This is the rule that allows people like Nate Robinson and Dwight Howard to compete once and still entertain us. This is the rule that would have made the 12 foot dunk actually exciting (imagine if Dwight went up for the dunk and then some evil Lex Luthor music blasted with lights flashing and the rim started rising as he was running up, Dwight hesitates whether he should go for it, then he decides he does and goes for that 12 foot high dunk…that would have been far more exciting then the 20 minute preparation and us actually seeing before hand he can easily touch the rim).

The Dunk Contest is by no means over or near extinction. There are hundreds if not thousands of dunks that can still be done with the athleticism present today. Here are some to just give hope and inspiration to dunk lovers out there:

1) Dunk with a basketball made out of something other than leather…so that when you make a powerful jam, the ball could literally explode and be blown to bits all over the floor.

2) Guest appearances…this will have far more effect than simply wearing a person’s jersey. Imagine if next year Magic Johnson comes out, laces it up in full old school Lakers gear, dribbles the whole length of the court and throws a no look alley to LeBron ala the old school Showtime days. Mixing the old and the new, past playtimes with the current ones, creating both new memories while reveling in nostalgia and entertaining those ‘what-if’ thoughts that every NBA fan has at one point or another. (OK ok, Nate Robinson brought out Spud Webb and dunked over him which was pretty cool, so I’ll give him props when its due. Krypto-Nate, however, was just lame.)

3) Choreograph stuff like….WAIT A SECOND. Why am I giving out these tips for free?? I would like to be hired as a Dunk Consultant please, so if you’re interested let me know.

Until then, BOOM SHAKALAKA!