I don’t really browse the internet for basketball information anymore but what I did find today was quite hilarious, a basketball how to site! I’m curious as to which type of people will use this basketball how to site – is it aliens, babies, cavemen? Basketball how to lessons I guess is what I should have been blogging all along, apparently it gets several hundred thousand searches each month.
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A Basketball How to Site
Monday, April 20th, 20092009 NBA Slam Dunk Constest Was Horrible – How to Fix This Mess
Monday, February 16th, 2009
The Dunk contest this year was straight out horrible. I’ve heard people in the past talk about putting an end to the Dunk Contest and I would always be in disbelief on why anyone would want to do such a cruel thing. But this year I began to understand. There were NBA legends in the crowd shaking their heads, superstars of today put up a hard act trying to prove the “NBA cares”, and even Kenny ‘the Jet’ Smith couldn’t muster up enough hype to make us give a damn. What went wrong? Here are some simple suggestions to make this once more the most exciting 30 minutes in all of sports.
Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: normal;”>Do not allow anyone participate in the event more than twice. I mean you already had 2 chances to pull off the craziest dunks you can imagine…there’s absolutely no point for you to participate more than twice. IF and ever there is someone so good that he has too many dunks, then this rule can be changed. Similar rule exception should be applied for the U.S President I believe, but that’s off topic.
Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: normal;”>Get rid of props for the sake of props. Some people seem to love props, but I completely despise them. Their use has started to escalate recently to the point where we had to watch a horrible trailer/spoof of Superman for the second year in a row involving phone booths and such which had nothing to do with a ‘dunk’. If the NBA and its fans really like these sorts of skits and such, please devote another section to it, but don’t take away our dunks for that purpose.
Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: normal;”>Stop rewarding people for their height or lack of height. Yes that means Dwight Howard and Nate Robinson. Dwight Howard’s dunks, for example the 12 foot one, while being ‘never-seen-before’ were hardly Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: normal;”>exciting. Your mind tries to tell you it was something special so you should be excited, but your heart and emotions just don’t go that way. You know why? Because dunks aren’t about calculated lengthy intellectual stimulation. It’s about out-of-nowhere emphatic statements that just gives you pure adrenaline and is about the synergy between grace, creativity, power, and flight.
Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: normal;”>Have some consistency. Rudy Fernandez’s second dunk was arguably the best dunk of this year’s competition, however due to several failed attempts, he was given a lower score. Nowhere in the rules does it say that if a dunk is missed, the points must go down. In fact, Nate Robinson was given full points many times when he won the contest yet missed his first 10 attempts at each try.
Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: normal;”>Judges get a clue. Nate Robinson stepping on someone and dunking should not have been given anything more than 30. It was just degrading and an embarrassment to dunking and basketball in general. I can imagine next year Nate defending his trophy by dunking the ball while being on Spud Webb’s shoulders or something. This isn’t a freaking circus act, stop with this ridiculousness!
Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: normal;”>Finally, the rule that binds it all together. Each dunk must be either A) new B) much improved version of the original or C) or must be ‘out-of-nowhere’ moment. I can not emphasize how important C) is. This is probably the most important thing in the dunk contest. As I said dunks are about excitement and unpredictability. It’s about that feeling where you have no idea what’s going to happen and then BANG! all your basketball memory flashes before your eyes and in a split second everything you knew about basketball has been changed. This is the rule that allows people like Nate Robinson and Dwight Howard to compete once and still entertain us. This is the rule that would have made the 12 foot dunk actually exciting (imagine if Dwight went up for the dunk and then some evil Lex Luthor music blasted with lights flashing and the rim started rising as he was running up, Dwight hesitates whether he should go for it, then he decides he does and goes for that 12 foot high dunk…that would have been far more exciting then the 20 minute preparation and us actually seeing before hand he can easily touch the rim).
The Dunk Contest is by no means over or near extinction. There are hundreds if not thousands of dunks that can still be done with the athleticism present today. Here are some to just give hope and inspiration to dunk lovers out there:
1) Dunk with a basketball made out of something other than leather…so that when you make a powerful jam, the ball could literally explode and be blown to bits all over the floor.
2) Guest appearances…this will have far more effect than simply wearing a person’s jersey. Imagine if next year Magic Johnson comes out, laces it up in full old school Lakers gear, dribbles the whole length of the court and throws a no look alley to LeBron ala the old school Showtime days. Mixing the old and the new, past playtimes with the current ones, creating both new memories while reveling in nostalgia and entertaining those ‘what-if’ thoughts that every NBA fan has at one point or another. (OK ok, Nate Robinson brought out Spud Webb and dunked over him which was pretty cool, so I’ll give him props when its due. Krypto-Nate, however, was just lame.)
3) Choreograph stuff like….WAIT A SECOND. Why am I giving out these tips for free?? I would like to be hired as a Dunk Consultant please, so if you’re interested let me know.
Until then, BOOM SHAKALAKA!
The Best NBA Scout You Never Heard Of
Monday, February 9th, 2009I know someone.
He’s a basketball expert - both on and off the floor.
If he had some ups and had been to the Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight room – he would be a modern day Chris Paul.
This season alone, he’s watched easily over 200 NBA games.
Back in the lockout season, he knew San Antonio would not only win the title but be a dynasty for years to come.
He knew after 20 seconds of watching Wade in college that he would be an NBA superstar.
He knew that the Golden State Warriors would cause the biggest upset in NBA history when they took out Dallas in the playoffs.
He said Jason Kidd was the most overrated player in the world, and today everyone else is seeing it themselves.
When the Tim Donaghy fiasco occured, while everyone was panicking about the end of the NBA, he predicted that the league would come back stronger than ever.
When everyone thought Kobe was an unlikable player, he explained to everyone how he was just misunderstood.
When everyone thought LeBron had a horrible team last year, he reminded everyone how the squad was severly underrated which everyone is noticing now.
The list is endless but let me end with this:
In the only NBA game he watched with his bare eyes 1.5 years ago, he had this to say:
“Jameer Nelson’s got game. Well you gotta have some game to relegate Arroyo to the bench, but this kid could get some All-Star consideration in the near future.”
People laughed and ridiculed him on websites when he claimed this fact, but he didn’t back down. Today, Jameer Nelson is the ‘breakout’ player of the year and an All-Star.
THIS is the best NBA Scout You Never Heard Of.
Most Embarassing Moment of My Life
Monday, February 2nd, 2009Yesterday, life played a cruel trick on me. Yes, life ITSELF decided ‘it’s time to mess around with Oytun’ and consequently the most embarassing moment of my life occured.
It was 14:35 on a cold Sunday afternoon – I had just gotten out of bed after a week of being lazy enjoying the Chinese New Year. My girlfriend would be back in the country later that day and hence I had spent the previous couple of days cleaning the house and shopping for groceries. I quickly took a shower and put on some clothes but I was already running late, I had to be at the airport at 5 o’clock! I wondered how in the world I had squandered a week of free time doing almost nothing… and even noticed some stain on my jacket that I had been meaning to clean ALL week long but never got around to. Nevertheless, I decided I couldn’t afford to be late to pick up my girlfriend from the airport!
So I jumped on to the Metro Line 2 on my way to catch the Maglev Train to the airport. In the metro, I usually like to stand in the corner somewhere, where I can avoid the pushing and shoving and just be in my own world and thoughts. I was happily day dreaming and counting down the stops until my arrival, until I just could not escape a DIRECT STARE by this scary but quite unique homeless person.
I’ve seen many homeless and poor people in and outside of Shanghai before – but this guy just had something special about him. He had this huge amout of hair like a caveman and big eyes with fuzzy eyebrows – which itself is quite unordinary for a Chinese person. He didn’t seem menacing at all but that could all change in the split of a second – somewhat like a tranquilized Wild Animal.
He was eating some form of luxury Chocolate Ice Cream in a Cone- Haagen Daazs would be my guess. He was carrying in the other hand a small bag with him that were his sole life possessions. His face was covered in dirt and his mouth was covered in chocolate. And this guy was looking directly at lil ol’ me in the corner! Some people that were standing in between us quickly moved out the way when they noticed his presence. After giving him a small nod and smile to show my friendliness I kept trying to look elsewhere and ignore him as gently as I could.
He then started approaching me and pointed his finger at me. People around the train now were focused in on this showdown with the Homeless Chinese ‘Barbarian’ and the Young ‘Laowai’ Foreigner – it had the makings of an epic CCTV news story. I didn’t know how to respond to his pointing, so I just gave him a raised eyebrow to show I was not understanding or impressed by his actions. But he really had something he wanted to tell me, you could see it in his face behind all the layers of dirt. Had I dropped my wallet, did he mistake me for someone, was he asking for some warm clothes?
He had a face that showed both confusion and amusement – I never knew those two emotions could be displayed simultaneously. Then he pointed at me once more, but he pointed at exactly what was confusing him so much. This dirt and chocolate faced monster was giving me the puzzled look this whole time to figure out…. WHY IN THE WORLD MY JACKET HAD A STAIN ON IT! After realizing what had just transpired, and noticing the eyes of the other passengers scan me and my jacket, I was literally lost for words. Not that it had anything to do with my inability to speak Chinese, but I never in a million years thought this scenario could have transpired. I was ridiculed by a homeless person in one of the poorest countries in the world….and with reason too!
I tried to compose myself, but it was becoming increasingly difficult with this huge, albeit innocent, grin on the face of my new homeless hygene doctor. I decided to give him a little smile and nod to just get the guy to stop pointing at the stain on my jacket and draw even more attention on to myself. (He was now using the ice cream in his hand to try to ask if it’s ice cream that I have on the jacket!) He gave me another dissapproving look (the same type that a mother would give to their child) and I had to nod again in humiliation that indeed I should be cleaner than that.
It slightly crossed my mind to retaliate with pointing at him and show how dirty he is but 1) getting into a competition with a homeless person in ANYTHING is probably not a good idea and 2) somehow his jacket looked clean and had no major stains on it!
The embarassment was just too much and I could no longer bare it, I decided to just get off at the next stop just to avoid this guy. Luckily enough, the guy was getting off himself at the next stop. But of course, he couldn’t just leave me with a trace of dignity – he had to complete ruin me. He waved at me and said “BYEBYE”, and then as I was waving back to him he made a washing gesture with his hands and pointed at my Jacket once again….in case there were any deaf people on the train who had not yet realized my shambolic situation.
The next couple minutes were awkward as people no doubt were discussing what had just transpired. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is turned into a folk legend similar to those Dragon vs Monkey stories that Chinese love so much. The homeless guy will probably go down in history for thousands of years and have a holiday named after him or something.
Anyways, as soon as I got off the subway I headed into a men’s room and tried to wash the blood from my hands so to speak. This was evidence and humiliation I could no longer carry with me. I would have thrown the damn jacket away if it wasn’t so cold. I ended up missing the Maglev train to the airport and had to wait for a while as result. But it didn’t matter, the popular saying was right all along – it’s better to be late, than sorry!
Bush and Obama: Last Moments
Sunday, January 25th, 2009Exclusive Inauguration Day dialogue between the 43rd and 44th President of the United States:
Mesothelioma Law Suit
Tuesday, January 6th, 2009Mesothelioma Law Suit Heading My Way
I woke up this morning and realized I got Mesothelioma. Not the real kind – which is a nasty kind of cancer which is caused by exposure to toxic chemicals but a kind that you can only pick-up in this age of fast money, internet, and crooked businesses.
You see, the kind of Mesothelioma Law Suit I have is purely psychological - but nevertheless, the symptomps are the same: shortness of breath, chestpain, amnesia, and straight out pain. As I said, its a kind of toxic chemical that I picked up that caused me to get it – the damned internet. Where else could you pick up such a evil desease while mindlessly wasting some time.
Somehow I ended up reading about some Adsense optimizting tools that could generate me some more pocket change than the measly $3.65 I’ve picked up over the last year. I checked out the top keyword that collected the most cash for a single click – and guess what, it was Mesothelioma law suitfor a whopping $69! One click, and someone out there pockets 69 freaking bucks….CLICK,CLICK, CLICK, CLICK – oh wait, I can now buy myself a brand new laptop, thank you very much! And the worst of it, is that the unfortunate people with this kind of cancer are the ones who have the cover the cost of this advertising.
Mesothelioma Law Suit for everybody: Google, the Internet, and Advertising – I SHAME YOU ALL!
At first I wasn’t sure how to feel, but in fact, this is a feeling that every unsuccesful blogger feels at one point in his/her life. It’s the Mesothelioma lawsuit syndrome. That feeling you get when you know that there’s some huge thing out there waiting to be got, something that is attainable by someone somewhere, but that someone will never be you..and it makes you sick to your stomach – out of either ethical reasons or just plain jealousy.
Dreams
Thursday, December 18th, 2008Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: bold;”>
My dream since being a little child was to be a professional basketball player in the NBA. Anyone I ever came across would giggle when I would mention it, the type of giggle that parents give their kids when they say they want to be an astronaut or a President. In fact, this is a dream that wasn’t so outside my reach. Sure, there would be loads of hurdles along the way but the chances weren’t so slim that it was impossible. But nevertheless, I never had it in me to pursue this dream the way it needed to be.
So skip forward a decade and this dream safely out of any possible reach, I decided to channel my love for the sport into a blog – and a new dream was born. First it was over at Oytamuah.blogspot.com and recently on Oytun.co.uk. I have had loads of fun with it and while my impact on the blogosphere was limited to just 2 articles (one being mentioned on CNN/SI, one on the Washington Post) I still don’t regret the hours of time I spent writing up my post-grad thesis lengthy essays. Sure the ad revenue I totaled is a measly $4.41 – which would probably make me the worst paid person in the world…if I had done it as a living. However, there is a kind of pleasure in turning your thoughts into permanent ‘beings’ that can’t be measured by pageviews, # of visitors, or advertising revenue. Recently however, again due to my inability to pursue this dream with the amount of dedication it deserves, I’ve begun to accept that it is time to let this dream die as well.
Dreams while they seem to be lifelong goals or benchmarks to measure ourselves in – are in my mind nothing but stepping stones. Change is so prevalent within us in our lifetime and within our environments – that having one constant dream is a dream in of itself.
Today is the day I decide that basketball shall remain a sport and a source of entertainment for me and nothing less, nothing more. While I don’t have a new focused dream to immediately clang myself onto – I can assure you I’m searching. As anyone who knows me well will know, I’ll never run out of ideas…I just need to pick the right one. But for the third time around, I will make sure its something lasting, and more importantly something I can really dedicate myself to. It’s like the story of the bacon-and-egg breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed. Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-Exercise/”>Lose-weight-Exercise/”>Weight: bold;”>It’s time for me to step up, and be the pig!